Stress.

that which does not kill me makes me stronger…. but I that my body might be killing itself over all this stress.

It’s hard enough to take care of you myself but to also be in charge of my mother’s well-being is just too much for me to handle. I had plans for myself, i was going to move out, go to Europe, transfer to a good school… but then life just kicked me in the nuts (metaphorically of course).

I know it is selfish of me to be thinking of all the things that i will be missing out on now that my mom is disabled, cause I know that more than anything she wishes that this didn’t happen and that she wasn’t disabled and that she could be a independent woman again but the stroke as given her some emotional and personality changes that make it hard for me to sympathetic towards her. Once again I know this is 100% not her fault, I know she didn’t choose to have a stroke, I know she didn’t choose to not be able to use her arm, but I can’t help but think that i don’t deserve this in my life and all I want to do is leave… but I love my mom and I know I can’t.

I feel guilty for all the negative thoughts I have and I know that I could take better care of my mom but it’s hard. I am 18 years old working 30+ hours a week going to school full time and now having to spend my free time with my mentally and physically disabled mother. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, I’m not sure I can take care of us both. Not to mention the growing amounts of debt that we are swimming in due to thousands of dollars of hospital bills and the fact that i have no idea how to pay the bills and the only person to show me how is a crazy hold lady with half her brain tied behind her back…

This is not the way i wanted to learn how to be an adult… I wanted to move out and be independent and be able to go to my mom for help… she was supposed to be the one showing me how to be a grown up, i shouldn’t be in the position of having to teach my mom how to take care of herself, i still haven’t figured out how to take care of myself…

I wish I believed in God… I wish I thought that there was a master plan for all this pain, I wish I believed in that this suffering would one day end in a free pass into Heaven, but I don’t have faith in God or Heaven and i don’t think that no matter how long I live or when I die I will ever understand why i hurt so bad right now… I don’t know what this all means to me and my future and right now i feel so hopeless and alone that i cannot rationally examine my life choses and their effect on me or others.

I feel the need to share the embarrassment that i am feeling at this moment as i right this…

**I went to Starbucks to work on my math homework while my mom was in therapy but than I realized I forgot a pen/pencil/marker/anything practical to write with that i decided to finish my student loan paperwork then blog a little bit… because i was raised by my parents and if you knew them or have a similar family i am sure you would understand, I was raised to bottle things up and just keep my problems to myself and now that i don’t even have my mother to talk to i find myself bottling a lot of emotions up to the point were they randomly spill out me and as i write this post i find my emotions pouring out my tear duct in the corner at Starbucks…. not only am i full of shame of crying in public, i am sure that my makeup is all over my face and I probably look a hot mess right now… but if i just calm myself and act normal i hope this will all just go away…

** I might have some emotional issue

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