It’s hard enough to take care of you myself but to also be in charge of my mother’s well-being is just too much for me to handle. I had plans for myself, i was going to move out, go to Europe, transfer to a good school… but then life just kicked me in the nuts (metaphorically of course).

I know it is selfish of me to be thinking of all the things that i will be missing out on now that my mom is disabled, cause I know that more than anything she wishes that this didn’t happen and that she wasn’t disabled and that she could be a independent woman again but the stroke as given her some emotional and personality changes that make it hard for me to sympathetic towards her. Once again I know this is 100% not her fault, I know she didn’t choose to have a stroke, I know she didn’t choose to not be able to use her arm, but I can’t help but think that i don’t deserve this in my life and all I want to do is leave… but I love my mom and I know I can’t.

I feel guilty for all the negative thoughts I have and I know that I could take better care of my mom but it’s hard. I am 18 years old working 30+ hours a week going to school full time and now having to spend my free time with my mentally and physically disabled mother. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, I’m not sure I can take care of us both. Not to mention the growing amounts of debt that we are swimming in due to thousands of dollars of hospital bills and the fact that i have no idea how to pay the bills and the only person to show me how is a crazy hold lady with half her brain tied behind her back…

This is not the way i wanted to learn how to be an adult… I wanted to move out and be independent and be able to go to my mom for help… she was supposed to be the one showing me how to be a grown up, i shouldn’t be in the position of having to teach my mom how to take care of herself, i still haven’t figured out how to take care of myself…

I wish I believed in God… I wish I thought that there was a master plan for all this pain, I wish I believed in that this suffering would one day end in a free pass into Heaven, but I don’t have faith in God or Heaven and i don’t think that no matter how long I live or when I die I will ever understand why i hurt so bad right now… I don’t know what this all means to me and my future and right now i feel so hopeless and alone that i cannot rationally examine my life choses and their effect on me or others.

I feel the need to share the embarrassment that i am feeling at this moment as i right this…

**I went to Starbucks to work on my math homework while my mom was in therapy but than I realized I forgot a pen/pencil/marker/anything practical to write with that i decided to finish my student loan paperwork then blog a little bit… because i was raised by my parents and if you knew them or have a similar family i am sure you would understand, I was raised to bottle things up and just keep my problems to myself and now that i don’t even have my mother to talk to i find myself bottling a lot of emotions up to the point were they randomly spill out me and as i write this post i find my emotions pouring out my tear duct in the corner at Starbucks…. not only am i full of shame of crying in public, i am sure that my makeup is all over my face and I probably look a hot mess right now… but if i just calm myself and act normal i hope this will all just go away…

** I might have some emotional issue

My mother had a right hemisphere stroke on Sept. 1st and when i started a blog to help our family and friends keep up with all the new developments on her health and well-being. I rediscovered the relief of venting. Although i do think the idea of venting on the internet kind of silly, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your ideas and feeling with your friends and family what leads to sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with the vast source of strangers who stumble upon your blog/facebook or whatever you use to share expose your soul. But I find myself feeling alone and drowning in all the stress related to my new life as a freshmen in college, a primary caregiver for my mom, and as not so valued member of the dying American workforce.

I wasted away my summer work 50+ hours a week at two very unsatisfying jobs, which lead to me juggling my 50+ hours a week and 16 hours of class and then my juggling became impossible on Sept. 1st when I received the call that my mother was having a stroke. that night was the worst night of my life. I cannot explain the fear I felt seeing my mom sprawled out on a gurney, completely out of it. Seeing the woman who made you who you are not herself… is just not right.

My fears of her death have now transitioned into frustration with her recovery. I so glad that she is alive and health but there are moments when all I want is to talk to my mom. The way my mom used to be.

But as I struggle through this time, i see how loved my mother and our family is and i am thankful to have such great friends and family.

The night went well: Marion reported that Lisa tried to be sneaky and asked for cups and “swishes” of water. No sips, just light swabs in preparation for the morning’s TEE.

This morning there was the TEE and Lisa’s heart arteries are A-okay! No blood clots and everything looks as beautiful as ever.

A+++

Then as soon as the anesthesia wore off this afternoon the speech therapist came- stuck a scope down Lisa’s nose and the swallow test commenced!

Lisa swallowed green ice chips, blue water (of several consistencies), blue applesauce and green peaches. She chewed up a saltine cracker. “I can swallow like a girl now huh?” Lisa asked at the end of her test. “Yes, you can” affirmed the speech therapist. Yet another

A++++ and gold stars times a million!

We are now wrangling a wish list of beverages: mango smoothies, passion teas. Any other delicious suggestions? We are in full celebration. Just moments ago Marion and Lisa as a team tore up her NPO (No per Oral) order that had been hanging on Lisa’s door.

Lisa is napping while we are scouring the Louisville landscape for an open restaurant on Labor’s Day (Starbucks is closed? Nonsense). We’re on the case.

Also as a side note, Lisa’s beautiful hair had been getting in her face as she rolls around. Thank you Tricia for bringing a few headbands by this morning. The blue looks wonderful on her right now.

Happy Labor Day!

Well I would like to take a break from my shallow and mundane blogging about myself (even though I know I am very interesting and reading about whatever I did that day must be truly fascinating to whoever reads this blog) and I wanna write about something that I feel very strongly about and has been all over the news (and no it’s not Jon and Kate’s divorce even though I do find that troubling lol) Iran’s “election” and I wish more young people would take an interest in this issue-

Democracy is the corner stone of America. It’s the peoples right to make decisions about how they want to live their lives that make us a free and happy country but Iran is making a mockery of the democratic process. They held a (for all intensive purposes) a false election, dangling the carrot of democracy in front of it’s people and then snatching it away by (I believe) disregarding the popular vote. Ahmadinejad “shockingly” appointed himself as the victor and still president of Iran.

I consider myself a Democrat/Libertarian and I believe strong in that voice and opinions of people should be heard, no matter who they are or what their opinion might be, everyone deserves to be heard and respected. I respect the people of Iran who are standing up for what they believe in and I fully support their protest and I wish their government would give their people the respect they deserve. I have no respect Ahmadinejad nor do I believe he deserves any, he is a lying, cheating, “sob” who has stolen the rights of Iranian people and completely disgraced himself and his country. I wish the people Iran the best of luck and I hope they can win back their rights as people as peacefully as possible. 

I wish more young Americans cared or even knew about this issue. The people protesting in Iran for their rights are mostly under thirty and it embarrassing how little young Americans care about the world and even problems in their own country and communities . As a nation we have grown lazy and comfortable with the world because America is well. It’s about justice for people, everyone deserves the freedoms that were just given to us because we were lucky enough to be born Americans. What happened to the spirit of the 70′s (to be clear I was not alive in the 70′s) when young Americans wanted to change the world. I remember when a college student got tazed at a John Kerry speech for speaking his mind and no one did anything except film the incident on the cell phones. I was thinking how can you just sit there and watch this stand up with your fellow student and make a point. It makes me feel powerless being 16 in this enviroment, I want to change the world and feel like I am alone. 

I am wearing a green wrist band to show my solidarity not only with the Iranian people but for the democratic process. 

TTFN- Taa Taa For Now

Hallie 

I do not think badly of people who do celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday. I used to celebrate Christmas but in late years we have stopped attending church and doing well anything really religious. 

But I should get back to family time 

Merry Chrismahanakwanzaka!!!!!

TTFN Taa Taa For Now

Hallie 

But I was surprised at how fairly easy it was for me this year . Usually it takes me hours to pick and purchase presents for others. I have trouble shopping period but when its for other people it makes it extra hard because I usually worry about what people really want and the money I should spend. Last year I was literally brought to tears at the thought of buying a gift for my father. I am extremely crazy.

Last year my mom started a tradition of everybody buying a smaller “stocking gift” for everyone on top of your “main” gift. Last year I got really worried at the idea of having to pick out more present for people it turned out to be really fun. This year I decided to make everyone their own mix CD with music that I think they would like. There is a lot of Ben Folds going on because I have recently  heard a few of his songs a fell in love so I have been really obsessing about his music lately.

And as an extra present to my mom I broke my retainer today so she gets to take me to the orthodontist tomorrow. yay for her!

Well I have to return to my families “Christmas fun”

TTFN Taa Taa For Now

Hallie  

1. it’s usually COLD!! I live in Northern Kentucky and won’t mind the cold so much if it produced more SNOW!! I love snow not such a big fan of the cold. 
2. pre-Christmas. I LOVE CHRISTMAS but there is a lot of pressure of buying gifts for people. I love giving gifts to people on Christmas but I don’t like the pressure of picking out gifts for people. 
3. Family. Around the holidays the family gets together for well “family togetherness” but I don’t (and I am sure many other people) like my family. I don’t know how/why I don’t enjoy the company of my mentally ill brother, moody and obnoxious sister, my over sarcastic and noisy mother, and my not around father. in individual pieces their not so bad put them together and you have a disaster on your hands.

There are some good parts about December!

1. Snow. when there is SNOW I love it. I really hope we start getting some snow soon because it is the BEST part about the holidays 
2. School breaks. I like school and all but getting a 2 week break is really nice too. 
3. Christmas/celebrated holidays. Everyone enjoys a good holiday. whether its Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Fiestaveis (I don;t know how to spell that). 
4. end of a year and a start of anew one. 

So lets see where to start…

Well a few months ago my dad moved to Griffith, IN. That has been a big change but so far it has worked out fine. We get to see him plenty. And the close proximity to Chicago has worded out well for me.

Um….Well the Field Hockey season ended in October. Our teams season did not go so well but that’s okay. I have now joined the track ad field team which I regretted this choice after the first practice (I could barely walk to my bus stop the next morning because I was so sore) but I have overcome those feelings and I am feeling much better about it.

Well I feel really boring right now…that be ALL that has ha happened to me lately…This is sad

Oh well my sister comes home from England next Thursday. and I am going to Ikea (the greatest place on Earth) next Friday. So yea  I am pretty boring.

I have to stop blogging now before I start getting sad I will blog again when I REALLY have something to say (so this will probable be my last post ever). Maybe I should lower my standards…I’ll just blog again when I have a free 10 min. that sounds better

TTFN-Taa Taa For Now

Hallie 

TTFN-Taa Taa For Now

Hallie